I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
me, after any kind of buffet.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex