[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun