when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Hot Hot Hot
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“you changed” bro i was 15
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours