Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s