professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Whoa 😂
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Is….Is this an option?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”