(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
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What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Life with a cat in one tweet
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do