You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Van Gone
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I hate everything
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh