I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Pickled cat.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.