8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]