how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Not my job 😂
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Great Canadian literature.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable