There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo