No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.