Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
#catsoftwitter
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..