Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion