Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.