who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
No regrets in 2018
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???