Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
You Might Also Like
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.