[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
You Might Also Like
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Anyone want a chair?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND