GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition