The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
You Might Also Like
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard