Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath