The internet is magic sometimes.
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
The funk soul brother
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Fight