DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
You Might Also Like
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous