I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I feel seen.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Don’t make me out nice you.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.