Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?