I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.