Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
You Might Also Like
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators