“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
You Might Also Like
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
something like this could probably happen to anyone
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.