you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.