[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny