You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
💯😂
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Hit me in the face with a bird
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”