please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep