THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.