happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.