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“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?