An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Perfection.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE