Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I’m putting together a team