“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
it must be school picture day
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.