Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I put the hot in psychotic.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards