My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.