I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Why is this me 😫
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby