we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
That lamp looks PISSED.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself