Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
You Might Also Like
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
When your man makes a valid point
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Realize this:
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy