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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
(more comics:
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks