Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.