John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Swedish for common sense.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?