I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…