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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.