[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.