Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
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I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind